(I’m about to get real because I feel like showing your bad moments are as important as showing your good moments)
Yesterday I yelled at God.
You see yesterday was Monday and that meant that my two oldest would be going to school and my four year old would be going to preschool for a few hours in the afternoon while my youngest son took his nap. That meant that I would have at least an hour of silence and stillness.
And yesterday I needed that more than anything. You see it had been a crazy two weeks. Filled with surgeries and important appointments.
An appointment that I had been waiting 6 months for, an appointment where I was hoping to get some help and tips on how to help my son. But that didn’t happen. Instead I left with the words “you son shows a lot of symptoms that make me think he may fall on the Autism Spectrum.” and”there’s a very slight chance your son is having slight seizures in his brain.” I also left with an appointment 7 months away that will confirm whether he has autism or not and another one to make sure he’s not having seizures.
More waiting, no services can start until they know for sure what is going on. No help with my every day craziness of trying to figure out how to calm a meltdown and how to stop my child from hitting uncontrollably….just more waiting.
I was tired and emotionally drained and I couldn’t wait until that small time of silence and stillness I would get Monday afternoon…and then around 3:45 Monday morning my four year old woke up with a stomach bug.
That stomach bug meant the little tiny piece of stillness and silence would probably not come and at this point I was barely hanging on.
Up again at 5:45 with a sick child and then we are up for the day. My two year old has a cold and is extra fussy and I walk upstairs to get dressed and……….
I yelled at God.
“Are you trying to break me??!!! I can’t do this, I can’t make it through this day! I can’t do this, I don’t know what to do!!”
And I break down and cry because I can’t keep it in any more. After a weekend of barely talking because I felt like any word that left my mouth would turn into tears.
I felt like for the first time I had gotten real with God, because before I thought I was strong enough, before I thought I was fine and before I thought I didn’t need to admit how weak I could be.
I didn’t want to admit to anyone but in the moment I threw it up to God. Because I didn’t know what else to do.
And through an offer of a ride to school for my older kids and a meal cooked for dinner so I didn’t have to worry about it, that day got a little easier…
Both of my children actually fell asleep at the same time and I still got my small time of silence and stillness and it was amazing…
And today instead of yelling at Him, I am thanking Him and asking for strength and help….It’s still not easy but I am am pushing through.